In praise of younger men

No one would comment if the gender was reversed in these relationships because historically, women have tended to partner with older men. “Survival theory,” says demographer Bernard Salt, explaining that men are seeking younger females to procreate with while women are looking for a stable provider. “That provides the age gap, that’s the basis to traditional relationships.”

Society, and women’s relative power, has evolved – but not the stats, says Salt, when it comes to women in serious relationships with younger men. “There has been some movement but not significant. Women still partner a male two-and-a-bit years older,” says Salt of ABS data for official marriage.

So while celebrity magazines may be populated with women in relationships with younger men, Australian homes aren’t.

These three couples, though, are loving bucking the trend.

Fiona Scott Norman, 51

Gregory Craske, 40

Age gap: 11 years

It was the hats. When Fiona Scott Norman and Gregory Craske met at a mutual friend’s birthday dinner four years ago they had both donned millinery for the occasion. Gregory, a software developer and musician, had just returned from a band tour. “I was feeling pretty good about life and I was thinking to myself I should find a chick so I was on the look out,” he says. Writer and performer Fiona recalls him “violently flirting” with her.

Although no stranger to flirting, she was not immediately won over. “I really was going ‘is he just a boning marauder?’” says Fiona, who has mostly dated younger men – largely, she says, due to demographics. “If you get older and you’re still single, most of the men who are still around are in their 30s. It’s not ‘oooh, I think I’ll go out with all these available 40-something-year-old-men’. It’s like they’re just not there; they’re married or getting over their hideous divorces and they’re very bitter, so it’s not that there’s a great catchment area.”

Their introduction had been on a first-name only basis and Gregory “almost fell out of my chair” when he found Fiona on their friend’s Facebook the following day and discovered she was the Triple R radio presenter he’d been listening to for years. “I thought to myself ‘well I’m glad I didn’t know that because I would have been too intimidated to do anything’,” he says.

He had thought she was only slightly older than himself but asked the age-question on their second date, along with questions like “does she have children? Is she going away overseas next week? All that sort of stuff that you want to know about if you’re thinking about [pursuing] something,” he says.

When he discovered their 12-year age gap, Gregory had one “moment” but that was based more on his past. Having been in two previous relationships with older women with children he was concerned this may be part of a pattern. Once he reconciled that this was a different relationship, he’s never considered the age gap again.

“Being older, the age gap relationship is probably not as significant as it would have been if I was 20 and she was 32, that would have been a much bigger difference,” he says.

The age gap created a different concern for Fiona. “I went 'look, I’m 47' and he was ‘I’m fine, I went out with someone 17 years older!’ But the biological reality is if you want to have kids, it’s not going to happen. Before we go any further this has to be sorted, so we had that conversation really early,” she says.

With no desire to have children of his own, reflecting hers, and with his sisters having already produced five grandchildren, taking the pressure off them, the couple are free to embrace their creative interests and itinerant lifestyle. “I think if that’s not in the picture, it really changes the picture,” she says. A shared aesthetic bonds them, they say, along with similar taste in music and a love of dancing. And of course, the hats.

Melinda Price, 43

James Arnott, 26

Age gap: 17 years

Melinda Price and James Arnott met as many couples do: drunk on a nightclub dance floor. Neither had intended to go out that particular evening, but fate intervened. What started as a casual thing five years ago has since grown into a serious relationship, with daughter Lily entering their lives three years ago, at the same time as Melinda was battling breast cancer. “James looked after both of us,” says Melinda, who is now in the clear and studying naturopathy.

James, an accountant, had only just turned 21 when they met in Albury. Melinda was 37. “We didn’t go public for a very long time because of the age thing,” she says. At first they didn’t know whether this would be short-term or develop into something more and decided there was no rush to meet respective families and friends until they knew. Looking back, she admits she “did myself a lot of brain damage” by trying to come up with reasons why it must be bad and couldn’t work, until she finally made peace with the fact it is just a number. “There’re far more important things to worry about in a future partner than just how old they are,” she says.

But with a ticking biological clock and an approaching 40^th birthday, Melinda was feeling the pressure. “I started to panic about the future,” she says, adding that she needn’t have worried, as James had always wanted to have children and loves being a father.

“I remember what I was like when I was 21 and probably was the same when I was 31. There was no way I was ready to do all of that but luckily James is a bit different to me,” she says.

Describing herself as “young at heart”, Melinda felt welcomed by his circle of friends, once they got over their disbelief. “That was quite common throughout the relationship because when I introduced her to people they would think ‘this can't be the older woman you’ve told us about’ because she definitely didn’t look her age,” says James.

Her age, however, meant that incomes were very different. At the start of their relationship, James was only earning trainee wages while she was earning considerably more as an automotive industry professional and had assets. “So if we went out, Mel would be paying,” says James, who wasn’t concerned by this because he knew the age gap meant she would most likely retire well ahead of him. “It will just even out at the other end,” he says.

Melinda admits the other end plays on her mind sometimes. She says they are currently quite young and have a lot of fun, but once James hits the age she is now, she’ll be 60. “At some point you’ll be a young man and I’ll be an old lady,” she says to him. James says he has thought about this as well. “I just keep coming back to if I was 43 and you were 60, it means we’ve been together for 22 years. If you’ve been together for 22 years, obviously the love has grown so much there and you’re not going to quickly go stuff it up,” he says. “You don’t knock back love when it’s there and age is a very, very silly reason to not go after the person who you’re extremely compatible with. We only thought about age for the first few months and then never again really.”

Helen Williams, 46

Christian Williams, 27

Age gap: 19 years

Helen and Christian had only been dating for two and half weeks when he, clean shaven and wearing a baseball cap backwards, was mistaken for her son. “It did throw me a little because I had only just met him and I didn’t know whether I was going to start a relationship with him and at what level,” recalls company owner Helen, who is now married to the former elite athlete.

It was a whirlwind romance. When they met at a work-related social event 18 months ago, the encounter was so brief they didn’t even exchange names. “About 10 seconds,” remembers Christian, who was sufficiently interested to find out who she was and text the next day.

“Things just happened so naturally and it was like we’d been together for years,” says Helen of their compatibility. “I would normally never introduce my children to someone for four to six months,” she says, but two and a half weeks after meeting, they were on a family date and three months later engaged. Although the proposal took her by surprise (“as a woman you’re analysing everything”) she realised she didn’t have any reservations. “This is a second chance to really know what love is so I’m going to take it,” says Helen, who separated from the father of her two teenage sons eight years ago.

“I’d only ever go out with someone I admire or thought I could learn something about. I couldn’t go out with an athlete because I want to be with someone who has a whole different set of life experiences and can show me a different perspective,” says Christian, who now works as a primary school teacher, after an incurable heart condition which cut short his sports career

All of his past relationships have been with older women, on average 17 years his senior. Helen, however, had never considered younger men as options. “There’s such a misconception out there [about these age gaps] and I used to be one of them,” she admits. “If you’d asked me before I met Christian would you go out with someone as young as he is or that has a terminal illness, I would go no, absolutely not,” she says.

Originally, they both thought their age gap was much smaller. “I looked a lot younger than what I was and he looked a little bit older and my girlfriend told me he was 32 and he thought I was 38 and I was like ‘oh, six years, I don’t know…’” Helen laughs.

However, they have discovered they have much in common. “He’s packed what a 50-year-old would into his life into 27 years and I’ve packed a lot into my life as well but it was very comparable, so it’s like he has the heart of a 50-year-old in a gorgeous 27-year-old body!” she says.

And Christian has embraced his “instant family” and bonded with his step-sons. “They adore him,” says Helen. Wider family members were “shocked but excited at the same time,” she says, and friends have also been supportive. The couple have been the subject of some gossip, however. “People who are jealous and want to damage you,” says Helen.

But they haven’t let that get them down. “We’re soulmates and we’re meant to be together,” she says. “And I have never been so in love.”