For much of the last three months Nathan Cleary has been waging a war on self doubt inside his own mind.
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Back in NSW State of Origin camp in Bondi in Sydney's eastern suburbs on Monday, the 21-year-old whiz kid looked his normal self - cool, calm, collected and relaxed.
But for the opening 11 rounds of the NRL season, the Penrith playmaker has been forced to deal with constant criticism and mental demons.
Having been nearly universally praised since coming into first-grade in 2016, brickbats and detractors are forces he has not had to struggle with before this year.
"I've definitely looked into that mindfulness stuff and gratitude, I think that's something you can always revert back to, be grateful for the life we're living at the moment," Cleary said speaking about his battle with self doubt.
"Sometimes you take it for granted and you get caught up in it all.
"Especially being in a negative mindset. At the end of the day footy isn't everything. It's a big part of my life, but to perform the best I can, I have to be positive and grateful for everything I have."
Cleary received a phone call from Blues coach Brad Fittler, a family friend he has known since he was a toddler, on Sunday to deliver the news that he had been retained for next week's game one in Brisbane.
Cleary's form has mirrored that of the Panthers during the first third of the season - poor to indifferent.
But Fittler wanted to give him every chance.
And he laid down the challenge to Cleary before last week's win over Parramatta, telling him that if he could exhibit some of the things which he has done so well over the last few years, he would be considered at the selection table.
Cleary responded by scoring the match-winning try and after rivals for the No.7 jersey Luke Keary, Adam Reynolds and Mitchell Pearce all went down with injury over the weekend, he got the nod.
When asked if he thought at any stage he had lost his grip on his beloved sky blue jumper, Cleary said: "Yeah, if I'm being honest, definitely.
"I wasn't playing the way I wanted to and the way things were going at Penrith, it was kind of taking a toll on me and it was frustrating.
"I think to get a win last week and a tough win, that made me feel a lot better about myself and I got a lot of confidence back."
Australian Associated Press
